But this time, I noticed that.... I am starting to move backwards.....
I am reacting more and more like the times I used to react to humans and situations.
Not exactly bad, but it shouldn't be.....
And now, I don't know why but now I even recalled my little boy boy times' ambition, which was like "forgotten" since age 12.
"I want to grow up to be a scientist and invent things." was what I say when I was a kid.
Maybe when kids grow up, adults stopped asking kiddish questions like "how old are you....... what you want to be in future when you grow up...... and finally ending off with GooD Boy or what not.
And now, I also recall that "some human" told me that "there's no scientist" in Singapore.
And as the adults stopped asking, guess the ambition reminder thingy sort of stayed still as well, at that age. Since then, I "join in the fun" like all the rest of the other kids, trying hard to just score well and go with the flow, till now.
This semester seems to be getting worst as I wriggle in the pool of engineering crap. I don't understand quite a lot of stuff now already, and my speed of revision and the times I "caved in" is not moving me much as well.....
At some points of time, I think I almost reached breaking point.
Also, my night on bed is getting worst.... now I can't even sleep. Not insomnia.... but I guess it's worst.... I get really bad stupid dreams, and I am really using lots of brain power for it, so much and so long that just before my alarm rings, I am still in it.
And the worst is...... I can't even differentiate that when I am in it -_-"
And sleep is really very important.... mood, ability to concentrate, health, emotional control, ability to stay awake to do thing.....
And I am in need of all these.....
But now that I have mysteriously grew younger....... and even recalled my childhood ambition, I am going to move on from where I left.......
"I am going to invent ways to help others like me in future, and I am going to stay alive now, to do it."
at least now it gives me a sense of motivation to stay on in this course..... although I am sure that I won't be a engineer after I graduate. (I don't want to make explosive cars like Osama you know....)
For now, my previous "music therapy" seems like it's not working anymore as my situation gets worst.
But for now, I just came up with another method. I called it the "Pull me out of Stupid Dreams" therapy. The playlist is made in my iTunes already.....
It's a combination of silence for 20 min and selected music which I hope, can allow me to differentiate between "sleep" and "dream", and it's going to be continuous throughout the night as well, with speakers facing me just above my head.
hope it helps :)
Anyway, I've just started reading a bit of newspapers to let me feel "connected" to the outside world.
Then I saw the news about NTU.
Maybe I shall contribute to the increase as well :P
Ok, when I have the time, I am going there to throw them the question on how to sleep.
Who knows they may already have some great methods ready for me?
Moving on....
I have great friends even if I don't see them around :)
9 comments:
hello jiahe! whenever i read your post, whatever you're going through sound so alike to me! ok, i'm not celebrating, but trying to help here. haha.
Let me share with you. I get stupid dreams too, not occasionally but almost every night and that drains me badly.
I'm preparing for final exams for coming May-June, coping with 3 tuition kids, and working on some part-time research task and i really need the focus, concentration, energy like what u mentioned.
Hopefully the method works. I'm still trying out this method now. I try let my brain rest for at least 30mins before my slp time. That means, STOP all activities u're doing, including online. Just gotta hang around and do nothing or just chit chat.
Know tt it might be hard given our "never-ending" to do lists but its for a better body, a better day tomorrow. Stupid dreams makes me tired the next morning/afternoon, cos i realize myself running or flying ard, having some long conversations with pple i never thought i would etc and that's very energy draining ah!! haha.
If not, i have a series of music by Mozart, for "Focus and Clarity";Disc 1, " Rest and Relax"; Disc 2. If you don't mind, i can send it to you via yousendit.com?
Let me know your email ok?
The part on remembering your childhood dream is cool. :)
I always tend to recall images and converse of my childhood too. I mean real young, like 3-4yrs old. hee
Jiayou friend, in the midst of getting busy, tired, and losing focus etc, still rmbr to smile. It helps!
hi friend,
didn't know that this problem happens on local students as well? thought you all have all these supportive friends around to hang out, and your life should be happy :)
by the way i've been to councelling before and it somehow helps if you really cannot find a way out. but friends are always the better one to help out :)
is always like that, as you grow up, things seem to go blurrer and blurrer, haha, mayeb not to everyone. but at least to me. I determined to be an architect since secondary 1, but now I am blurred whether I should continue or what. but I think i just need a rest, mentally for things in my mind to settle down. and perhaps you're not lost, just need time to rethink, rearrange, and re-focus. try to really get some rest, I really need one too :(
I have no problem with sleeping because extremely deprived of that. but I always have weird dreams and really drained me out. like i dream of going to site and do all the site study, finished doing panels and models, but when I wake up, I didn't do anything!!!
oh well, talk to your friends more I am sure you've a lot of good ones. :) take care :)
wai
Wow!!!! Thanks for all the support Pei Zhen and Wai!!
Didn't expect that there's at least 2 person who didn't think that I am a IDIOT! haha!!
So HAPPY :):):)
To reply the msg:
Peizhen: The "rest for at least 30mins before my slp time" method I have already tried this 9 months back :P
And when I search back, I wow-ed at myself for coming up with so much stuff!!
Try scroll all the way down on this post :P
http://runturtlerun.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-first-scan-function.html
And now I actually have a series of iMusic, which have catagory for "Clear the mind", "Deep Sleep", "Focus for work" and more!
The "deep sleep" series seemed to work for the first few days, but after that, my body got "immune" to it and it sort of "filters" it off to my brain when I sleep! And when I get into the dreams, I am seriously STUCK! I guess my body looks literally like a "log", I can't feel what's happening at all.
So now, I just create another "music therapy" personalized for myself,and it appears to work on the first 2 night :)
The 20 min break is for my body to get used to the "silence" and the sudden introduction of the "music", which should attract my attention (cos I like that light but catching tune :P) and "pull" me out of the dreams :)
I have researched that sleeping may not necessary go into deep sleep, even if you are resting closing your eyes doing nothing, it's still resting :) So it will still be better for people to be lying on bed "resting" rather than getting out of bed, just because we can't "go to sleep properly".
haha... and don't worry my friend! I am always smiling, and some people wonder how come I even "laugh" out of a sudden. They either think I have a sudden "short circuit" somewhere up there or I am crazy :P
In fact, I am laughing at the little things of life, and can you imaging "yourself" making a joke out of life and making "yourself" laugh? I think it's quite high level sia! But ya, no one knows I guess. (who unknowingly got this ability let me know also ya!)
Anyway, people still refer to me as "happy" and "carefree" when I meet people in NTU. But they wouldn't have guess I have another "down" side of me bah :P
I have a preference to be happy so I will continue to live life happily :))
And to Wai:
I been "lonely" for quite some times in NTU already! It's not like I don't have friends but I just happened to have no "close" friends that I can meet in NTU after I got here, and my life have been revolving in NTU only!@ I don't even have time to "go out" and visit the world, and my good friends around.... In fact, I have to "force time out" to "visit" my parents back at home.... In Singapore!! I am quite slow with studying so it seems to be the main killer of all my spare time.
And I know for quite some time that having a friend to talk to will be very helpful!! haha, I actually tell my friends about the need to talk to someone when stress before :P
http://runturtlerun.blogspot.com/2008/10/some-ultra-quick-updates.html
And yes! My case is the same as yours! Working in dreams but waking up and realising we have DONE NOTHING!!! I call it "wasting time on my bed"
http://runturtlerun.blogspot.com/2008/09/some-thoughts-about-my-ntu-life.html
haha!
And talking about supportive friends, it's sort of weird to have such lousy luck.... I never seems to be "lucky" enough to meet another person who "clicks" with me and with the "right frequency". I never thought that it would be that hard to find someone like that cos I never experience this kind of things before for the past 21 years of my life! Ok, now I am 23, so can say that I have not been "talking" to people about stuff other than "work" for a while already. It makes the mind choked and sick. But I am glad that I have learnt how to live such a life and so if I ever met another "sad case" like me, I know how to give advices :)
Don't worry about me, just like what I've said, I always try to live life to the fullest, although not really that full, but I am positive that I am growing stronger :)
Take care too!
Jiahe :) =D ;P
It is really hard to get those friends who are really 'click' with us, and yeah, friends, we have a lot lot of them, but those heart-to-heart type, is really rare.
I used to have one last time, i mean now too, but just that distance makes it difficult, we are all forced to leave each other for education. Overtime, our topic seems to be irrelevant anymore, and that's really saddening to me.
get a girlfriend! lol
but rather than wasting time searching for the one who clicks with you, why not you appreciate your time with those friends around you? those who celebrated your birthday with lots of fun, who hang out with you and appear in your photos? :)
I have friends, who really care for me when I am sick, though not heart-to-heart type, I am really satisfied. :)
and yeah, don't lock yourself up in your room ok @@ haha.. NTU sounds scary now with recent 2 cases... :) lonely is fine, but don't confine yourself :) and lonely people are always emotional and sensitive, and they like to take photos of what they see, especially when they are lonely in their room, they tend to take photos out of their room window, sunset, clouds, views, rain etc :p
that sounds like? hmmm..... :)
wai
Hey Wai!
Are you a Singaporean? You got the English "feel" of one :P
Oh, and mentioning about those "fun" friends that I had photos with? Haha! They are really nice to be with :) But maybe because we are all still busy with our individual work, we don't meet up often enough. I dun know, another part of me thinks that maybe because we talk mainly about work, so it may makes us more like "collegues" having fun? I am not sure how come also, but they are still very nice people la :)
Anyway, if I ever get good and close friends again, I will still continue to take lots of pictures, and I will share those nice things that I see with them :)
Actually with photos or not, I will still be "lonely" without another "me" to talk to. haha! Anyway, I am hoping that I am lucky enough to bump another "me"! So I am not really searching, just opening my eyes "bigger" to see around. I don't have time to be searching :P
In fact, I found "myself"! But too bad la, no chance to talk with that person in any circumstances, so no common topic to talk to or interact also. Hai, so be it loh. Anyway, "searching" for a friend sounds weird so I am also not doing that :P
And I am not exactly locking myself up bah... nothing to do outside also... and so much work piling up. Haha, something interesting about me....
And you also recommend getting a girlfriend? Haha! I also tell my friends to do that! But I can't la... I don't have time for many other things already, unless my girlfriend is also another "me", then she will understand :P
And ya, do treasure your friends, even if they are not heart to heart type. Caring for you is good enough :)
Anyway, you got me curious... are you from NTU as well?
:)
am I a Singaporean? what do you think? that's an interesting question! what makes you think I am not? or I am?
NTU? hmm.. another interesting question. haha. what make you think that I am from NTU? why are you so curious?
you found 'yourself'? i mean like.. if there is no common topic to interact, then how you consider him/her 'yourself'? what is the parameter you used to define 'yourself'?
I am busy with works today, shall engage into this topic with you later tonight when I have done with my works. but how come you can talk so much to someone that you have no idea he is? that's really interesting, from here i am sure you won't commit suicide 'secretly'. haha
wai
It's almost impossible for me to commit suicide as I have too much stuff left behind. I won't want other to clear my crap :P
Anyway, I want to finish my life first or it will just be a waste to just go like that!
As for the "how I can talk so much to someone I've no idea he is", it's interesting that a "unknown" people decided to talk to me! haha! And because I don't talk about this kind of topic in real life, it makes this interesting I guess :P
And about finding "myself", I mean finding someone who "understands" me. It's quite complicated, but in short, it just means that, that person will be able to know what am I thinking, guess what's my response to situations, help me make "decisions" when I am not around, knowing that I would have made that, this kind of stuff.
Haha, the thing now is, no one bothers I guess :P
And judging from your first post, you said that you "didn't know that this problem happens on local students as well", so you just made me feel that you are not local :P
And then you started to use English which feels like local! Either you are not local but stayed here for a really long time, or you are a Singaporean!
But judging from all the talking so far, my guess is that you are a Singaporean who graduated from NTU last time.
But who knows.... you may be a friend of mine who is using a fake name and talking to me :P
And your style of "talking" is almost like mine.... haha :)
K, hope you have fun finishing your work... :P
Tell you one more thing, I hate typing but I am actually typing so much!
Ok, don't type too much next time, so I don't have to reply too much! I "should not" be using the computer too much -_-"
(Study study....)
Jiahe :)
oh okay. short one. hmm...
good guess..
don't think too much and perhaps I shall remain unknown? :)
study hard, and rest well :)
best,
wai
All the best too wai!
Bester,
Jiahe :)
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