A total of 7 hr, 7 min. (that's shown on my hp alarm just before I slept, nice number so easy to recall)
Then when I woke up for the first time, it was to stop the alarm clock.
And I went back to sleep "a while" more.
Then the 2nd time I woke up, it was 11.44 am.
This means I have slept for another 2 hr 15 min.
Of course this "long" timing means that I have been "trapped" in dreams again.
But this time, I'm thinking if there's any meanings behind it.....
Inside the dream, many people appeared, but I can only remember the last person, it was Mr Ham in my hall, going in and out of my block's level 5 (girls level) door, and I was at level 6 (I used to stay there) when I saw him. The "fact", that I manage to bluff myself is: his gf is studying in NTU and he's here to visit. (totally false).
But through this, I am guessing that... my inner Jiahe really wished.....
to go out and see some friends...
But I am using "physical" strength to trap him in NTU... and do something that is seriously.... antagonizing.
Most of the modules is turning him off slowly because the sheer amount of "facts" to remember is simply, too much.
(at least, not the type which is easily adsorbed by him)
I hate looking down on people, no matter what. Unless it's their character that has problem.
But now, I think I am looking down on myself... and that's pathetic....
I've heard many times before, that there's people who's not good with studying, but are excelling out there. So grades doesn't determines everything.
But that doesn't seems motivating or even assuring to me.... I keep linking myself to some failures that I couldn't do in life.
Even with the stuff that I can do, like I manage to entertain myself with a another video creation, I will end up putting a wet blanket over myself and come up with stupid conclusions on my "things I enjoy doing" like....
1. The video is nice, not because of me. The reason why the video is good is because, the composer of the music is good, and the video programme which is made by other, is powerful. You have no credits. Anyway, it's a useless skill....
2. you think you photos can earn you a living? It's just that the camera is good. Anyway, it's still a question mark if anyone would "really want" to hire you as a photographer, even if you just want it to use it as a part time job if you really think it can be done... have you managed to compare your pictures with other professional "photographers" yet? How do you know if yours standards are enough to work?
you might as well just play with your camera and take pictures for your own, forget about this "job" thing.
I can't believe that I actually believe these at some point of time. Why will I "look down" on myself like that when I will not do such a evil thing to others....
what the hell 林家禾.
Have always been trying to remind my friends to endure through these 4 years, it will be good training despite the stress. But now I am losing faith as well... although I'm trying to motivate myself too with what I say to others..
Maybe after today, I shall study with some friends, and talk a bit to humans.
I realised that most thing I've written here, no one else would know about it because I won't say.
And now, I dunno if I am like living in this stupid world of my own.....
bluffing myself that I am happy, when I am not, and I actually believed that I am happy.
I am so tired now, although it's like 9 hours on the bed.
whatever.
I shall continue my reading alone.
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