Really got to thank my photography mentor Vincent for recommending the treatment... now I just hope I can claim from the travel insurance and they don't come up with some stupid reasons.
So last night, the dreaming became so bad that I felt tired for the first time from waking up. Now, am writing it down since they say if you write out the dream, you will never dream of it again. But in fact... all my dreams are so random that most of them doesn't repeats itself.... so there's no point in this actually.
Last night's dream: Dreamt of a stupid taxi con man trying to ferry me to weird place with a rigged meter, going to wrong places, and went I said I want to get off now (thoughts of not paying since he is just going in circles), he acted angry and drove down hills and flying into fence.
Real past memories: I got into a rigged taxi while in Vietnam.
After I woke up, I realised how stupid it is, and I would have smack that driver if I ever got into such a situation. Can't believe how violent I am toward this incident, but in that stupid dream, I really can't do anything about it. Really a WTF feeling every night when I am stuck in situations when I can't do anything with a stupid mind, which I would have realised the absurdity if I am awake.
Tonight, I will be sleeping on the massaging sofa (again), which is suppose to be comfortable to lie in, but uncomfortable to sleep in for the whole night, and will result in a waking in order to turn the body a little. The dreams are getting too strong nowadays, and if I can get a good night sleep for this new enhanced body, I would have physical (and mental) energy enough to complete the jobs swiftly... really hoping I could be on time for all the things, including the submission of the 15 photos for the CPP exams.
Another side note: I wonder if it has got to do with the feeling of "nothing to look forward to". It's like, my parents are always arguing at home, gets on my nerve how childish their talks are. And I definitely can't tell them anything (including basic talking), since they will misheard, or misunderstand, and will definitely end up trying to put wrong words from me into future chats, and keep bugging me and bugging me for it. Stupid things keep reminding me for medication, dates, time of going out for certain events, time to wake up.... the mom just keep reminding me, and the dad just act caring and keep finding topics to talk to me for all the things he heard (and confused).
I hope I meet a soulmate or BFF soon, one who don't get on my nerves, and someone who can let me look forward to meeting every now and then. It's like, I don't have anyone to talk to if I want. At this point in time, it's super sucky since I am working alone, and meeting friends which I apparently can't open up to yet..... Or maybe the problem is just me. A stupid, proud INFJ who trust his instinct like some stupid holy words....
fish you okay, FISH YOU.
Don't you have any other spiritual mentor other than yourself!?
6.54pm update
So dad tried to make a comment that fishball was made mostly out of fish, and it's healthy, while I told them not to buy in future because it's mainly made of flour, which will make them fat. It's this kind of little little things that happen so many times daily that makes my blood boil. Why must they argue stupid things with me?? Always end up using Google to find out, show them, tell him he is wrong, and he ALWAYS WILL TRY TO DEFEND HIS STUPID FACTS which he gets it wrong most of the times (feeling like 99 out of 100 times). So many of his friends are talking bad about him, and I accidentally misheard someone who doesn't knows him, talk bad about his character. He have all these vice: MCP, thinking he is right, and all the others is wrong (within the family), scared of the world, act strong and smart in the family, and when shit happens, tell me to solve for him.
I seriously pity the younger me when I had to endure all this shit from them. Or maybe that's how I became who I am now, which I should be grateful for his "training".
Anyway, this year, the FGS people had a early mini cake celebration for my birthday. Went back home and saw the comment on my picture.
Now it set me thinking...... at that point of time, I actually felt that I have no wish that I want to be granted with, and if I didn't remember wrongly, I think I thought to myself... "oh well, I wish this cake is yummy then".
What's a person with nothing to look forward to...
actually this sounded rather pathetic.
Have became quite an atheist I realised, who doesn't believe things unless I am able to prove it. Believes in doing more than wishing for things to happen. Most of what is learnt in Buddhism (by me) seems to point to the direction that nothing heard can be believed actually, and therefore we should really have an open mind, and not believed any stated "facts" or trust by "faith". So much of these trainings of the brain that ended me up thinking like a atheist... Buddha can't be seen or proven, so.... he exist or not? I stopped believing in prayers I realised. And my mom is trying so hard to connect to these spiritual beings and human diviners (which I believed most of them are conman), and she keep forcing her ideals on me that these people tell them what and what, and I should believe it by faith. When I ask her for reasons? She just keeps going round in circles without answering anything actually, thinking she actually did, and it's a very good assurance to her thoughts that what she is believing in, is rightER now. Although I know it's not her fault for becoming this, and it's mainly due to circumstances and the environment she have been forced into. Try staying in a house 99.9% of the times, learning almost nothing for 28 years (that's my age now), doing the same house work cooking the same stuff, and expect her brain to be able to change as fast and learn like us, who haven't stopped learning since the day we are born. I was forced into training this brain of mine since age of 6 until I end up forcing myself (willingly) to finish a degree in one of the most disgusting course in engineering, with a 3rd class honours, at the age of 25. I've seen the smart people studying so much lesser, getting better grades with ease.
Till now, age 28, I am a struggling entrepreneur, learning new things every now and then.
Have been looking happy most of the times, and no one can really tell much about the inner world of mine.
Oh God, Buddha, Allah.
Will I ever be truly happy?
So last night, the dreaming became so bad that I felt tired for the first time from waking up. Now, am writing it down since they say if you write out the dream, you will never dream of it again. But in fact... all my dreams are so random that most of them doesn't repeats itself.... so there's no point in this actually.
Last night's dream: Dreamt of a stupid taxi con man trying to ferry me to weird place with a rigged meter, going to wrong places, and went I said I want to get off now (thoughts of not paying since he is just going in circles), he acted angry and drove down hills and flying into fence.
Real past memories: I got into a rigged taxi while in Vietnam.
After I woke up, I realised how stupid it is, and I would have smack that driver if I ever got into such a situation. Can't believe how violent I am toward this incident, but in that stupid dream, I really can't do anything about it. Really a WTF feeling every night when I am stuck in situations when I can't do anything with a stupid mind, which I would have realised the absurdity if I am awake.
Tonight, I will be sleeping on the massaging sofa (again), which is suppose to be comfortable to lie in, but uncomfortable to sleep in for the whole night, and will result in a waking in order to turn the body a little. The dreams are getting too strong nowadays, and if I can get a good night sleep for this new enhanced body, I would have physical (and mental) energy enough to complete the jobs swiftly... really hoping I could be on time for all the things, including the submission of the 15 photos for the CPP exams.
Another side note: I wonder if it has got to do with the feeling of "nothing to look forward to". It's like, my parents are always arguing at home, gets on my nerve how childish their talks are. And I definitely can't tell them anything (including basic talking), since they will misheard, or misunderstand, and will definitely end up trying to put wrong words from me into future chats, and keep bugging me and bugging me for it. Stupid things keep reminding me for medication, dates, time of going out for certain events, time to wake up.... the mom just keep reminding me, and the dad just act caring and keep finding topics to talk to me for all the things he heard (and confused).
I hope I meet a soulmate or BFF soon, one who don't get on my nerves, and someone who can let me look forward to meeting every now and then. It's like, I don't have anyone to talk to if I want. At this point in time, it's super sucky since I am working alone, and meeting friends which I apparently can't open up to yet..... Or maybe the problem is just me. A stupid, proud INFJ who trust his instinct like some stupid holy words....
fish you okay, FISH YOU.
Don't you have any other spiritual mentor other than yourself!?
6.54pm update
So dad tried to make a comment that fishball was made mostly out of fish, and it's healthy, while I told them not to buy in future because it's mainly made of flour, which will make them fat. It's this kind of little little things that happen so many times daily that makes my blood boil. Why must they argue stupid things with me?? Always end up using Google to find out, show them, tell him he is wrong, and he ALWAYS WILL TRY TO DEFEND HIS STUPID FACTS which he gets it wrong most of the times (feeling like 99 out of 100 times). So many of his friends are talking bad about him, and I accidentally misheard someone who doesn't knows him, talk bad about his character. He have all these vice: MCP, thinking he is right, and all the others is wrong (within the family), scared of the world, act strong and smart in the family, and when shit happens, tell me to solve for him.
I seriously pity the younger me when I had to endure all this shit from them. Or maybe that's how I became who I am now, which I should be grateful for his "training".
Anyway, this year, the FGS people had a early mini cake celebration for my birthday. Went back home and saw the comment on my picture.
Now it set me thinking...... at that point of time, I actually felt that I have no wish that I want to be granted with, and if I didn't remember wrongly, I think I thought to myself... "oh well, I wish this cake is yummy then".
What's a person with nothing to look forward to...
actually this sounded rather pathetic.
Have became quite an atheist I realised, who doesn't believe things unless I am able to prove it. Believes in doing more than wishing for things to happen. Most of what is learnt in Buddhism (by me) seems to point to the direction that nothing heard can be believed actually, and therefore we should really have an open mind, and not believed any stated "facts" or trust by "faith". So much of these trainings of the brain that ended me up thinking like a atheist... Buddha can't be seen or proven, so.... he exist or not? I stopped believing in prayers I realised. And my mom is trying so hard to connect to these spiritual beings and human diviners (which I believed most of them are conman), and she keep forcing her ideals on me that these people tell them what and what, and I should believe it by faith. When I ask her for reasons? She just keeps going round in circles without answering anything actually, thinking she actually did, and it's a very good assurance to her thoughts that what she is believing in, is rightER now. Although I know it's not her fault for becoming this, and it's mainly due to circumstances and the environment she have been forced into. Try staying in a house 99.9% of the times, learning almost nothing for 28 years (that's my age now), doing the same house work cooking the same stuff, and expect her brain to be able to change as fast and learn like us, who haven't stopped learning since the day we are born. I was forced into training this brain of mine since age of 6 until I end up forcing myself (willingly) to finish a degree in one of the most disgusting course in engineering, with a 3rd class honours, at the age of 25. I've seen the smart people studying so much lesser, getting better grades with ease.
Till now, age 28, I am a struggling entrepreneur, learning new things every now and then.
Have been looking happy most of the times, and no one can really tell much about the inner world of mine.
Oh God, Buddha, Allah.
Will I ever be truly happy?
No comments:
Post a Comment